Subject: Texas Chilli cook-off
> >Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud,
> >
> >then there's no hope for you.
> >
> >
> >
> >Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
> >the
> >
> >first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
> >
> >those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
> >actually have a chilli cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
> >It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city
> >park. The notes are from an inexperienced chilli taster named Frank, who
> >was visiting from Springfield, IL.
> >
> >
> >
> >Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli
> >
> >cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> >happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
> >to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
> >other two judges (native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that
> >spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
> >tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank
> >is Judge #3)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Chilli # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chilli...
> >
> >
> >
> >Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> >
> >
> >
> >Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
> >
> >
> >
> >Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy p00! What the hell is this stuff?! You
> >could
> >
> >remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the
> >flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Chilli # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chilli...
> >
> >
> >
> >Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> >
> >
> >
> >Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour; needs more peppers to be taken
> >seriously.
> >
> >
> >
> >Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
> >I'm supposed to taste! besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
> >wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer
> >when they saw the look on my face.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Chilli # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli...
> >
> >
> >
> >Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
> >
> >
> >
> >Judge # 2 -- A beamless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> >
> >
> >
> >Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> >like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
> >me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
> >
> >backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shiss-fayshed from
> >all of the beer...
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Chilli # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
> >
> >
> >
> >Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> >
> >
> >
> >Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
> >or other mild foods; not much of a chilli.
> >
> >
> >
> >Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
> >to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
> >was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is
> >starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
> >chilli an aphrodisiac?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Chilli # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
> >
> >
> >
> >Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> >adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> >
> >
> >
> >Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
> >admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> >
> >
> >
> >Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and
> >I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> >paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
> >chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
> >pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
> >lips off. It really pees me off that the other judges asked me to stop
> >screaming. Screw those rednecks.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Chilli ! # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
> >
> >
> >
> >Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
> >spices and peppers.
> >
> >Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> >
> >garlic. Superb.
> >
> >
> >
> >Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> >sulphuric flames. I pooped myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
> >eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
> >that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a*** with a
> >snow cone.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Chilli # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chilli...
> >
> >
> >
> >Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned
> >peppers.
> >
> >
> >
> >Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> >chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
> >about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing
> >uncontrollably.
> >
> >
> >
> >Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> >wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> >like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which
> >slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
> >shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
> >decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
> >any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
> >4-inch hole in my stomach.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Chilli # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chilli...
> >
> >
> >
> >Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too
> >
> > >bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> >
> >
> >
> >Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild,
> >nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted,
> >passed out, fell over, and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself.
> >Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have
> >reacted to really hot chilli?
