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[Floydoid]

Another oldie but goody...  How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another

6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

2 elderly forum members to reminisce about how much better the light bulbs were in the old days

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[dave.m]

Floyd,

Is it a low energy, long life, environmentally friendly light bulb?

Because we will all have forgotten how to change one by the time it needs replacing. 

And what do we do with the old one?
http://forum.kitz.co.uk/index.php/topic,800.0.html

Bring back the gas mantles.

dave

[roseway]

I know one forum where that argumentative process would hardly be an exaggeration

[Astral]

A version of the light bulb scenario was posted on a BBC messageboard a couple of days ago and got 274 posts in 24 hours. Very funny it was too. 

[feliscatusx2]

Speaking of the Old Days, I can remember, when a little lad, having a lightbulb/light bulb/lampbulb/lamp bulb in my bedroom that had a coiled filament that was nearly as thick as your finger.  I could lay in bed in the dark with the light on and after about an hour could just about see the filament glowing a dull red.

I suffered this for about 5 years until Dad sprung for a new 60w bulb and I nearly went blind the first time I switched it on.

I assume that this was some king of Blackout or wartime austerity bulb.  Whatever it was it was really creepy for a lad of tender years.

[tickmike]

Speaking of the Old Days, I can remember, when a little lad, having a lightbulb/light bulb/lampbulb/lamp bulb in my bedroom that had a coiled filament that was nearly as thick as your finger.  I could lay in bed in the dark with the light on and after about an hour could just about see the filament glowing a dull red.

I suffered this for about 5 years until Dad sprung for a new 60w bulb and I nearly went blind the first time I switched it on.

I assume that this was some king of Blackout or wartime austerity bulb.  Whatever it was it was really creepy for a lad of tender years.

Re...."had a coiled filament that was nearly as thick as your finger"         some were carbon filaments

        "could just about see the filament glowing a dull red."        running a 240v ( used to be 200v ) lamp at an low voltage

[Accordion]

Light bulbs are not relevant to our group, this topic should be moved to the Electricity section.

 

[Accordion]

RELIGION & LIGHT BULBS


"In the beginning, the world was without form, and void And God said, "Let there be light, and let there be dark" And God separated the light from the dark And having done so, did two loads of laundry!"


How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, but they’re really only one.

How Many Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb? Eight! The Archbishop passes it to the Bishop who in turn passes it to the Vicar. The Vicar then passes the light bulb to the Curate, who passes it to the Church Secretary who passes it on to the person responsible for the cleaning rota, who passes it on to the lady who is cleaning the Church that week. She passes it on to her husband, who's at the top of the ladder! Ten. One to actually change the bulb and nine to say how much they like the old one. Well, it should require about five committees to review the idea first. If each is staffed with half a dozen members, that's what ... 30?

None. It's impossible for an Anglicans to ever change a light bulb. There is always a member of the Church who will say "My mother donated that bulb, and you touch it over my dead body."

How many conservative Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!

How many Evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.

How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
One, since their hands are in the air anyway.

Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!

Twenty one, one to change it, and twenty to share the experience!

Twenty-five. One to screw in the new lamp. Two dozen to bind the powers of darkness.

Hundreds. One changes the light bulb, the rest run around shouting "I've seen the light!"

How many liberal Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.

How many Anglo-Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They always use candles instead.

How many independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, anymore than that would be considered ecumenical.

How many Atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But they are still in darkness.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

None. If God wants the light bulb changed He will do it Himself!

How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb?
Change??

How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But to ensure the message of hope continues to go forth, send in your donation today. Phone lines are open now (We accept major credit cards!!!).

How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

How many member of the church of Christ does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the bulb, four to serve refreshments.

How many Missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. Five to determine how many can be changed by the year 2000, four to raise the necessary funds, one to go find a national to do the job!

Two. One to fiddle with the slide projector, and the other one to explain (in the dark) what you would have seen if the bulb had not needed changing.

How many worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
One - he just holds it in the socket and the rest of the world revolves around him.

How many University chaplains does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they wouldn't change it in case it offended any other sincere light bulbs.

How many Christian Counsellors does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the light bulb must really want to be changed.

How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A tree in a golden forest.
None. Zen masters carry their own light.

How many Christian Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.

How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to do the screwing and the other to hear the confession.

[Accordion]

THE PROFESSIONS & LIGHT BULBS

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on what kind of insurance the light bulb has.

Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
What sort of answer do you have in mind?

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Swan!

Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to screw it in almost all the way, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, one to curse the darkness, one to light a candle and one to change the bulb.

How many Actors does it take to change a light bulb?
One. Everyone knows actors hate to share the limelight.

How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to assume that they have a ladder, and one to change the light bulb.

How many Management Consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Well....picking this topic up from last week's meeting, it's still currently incomplete as we're awaiting resolution on some of the action points, so we'll mark it as 'in progress' and resume it next week after we have all the reports!!! (How much an hour?)



GENDER & LIGHT BULBS

How many MEN does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to do it, nine to congratulate him over a pint in the pub!

None. If she can't do it for herself she can cook in the dark!

How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, Real Men aren’t afraid of the dark.

How many Real Women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, a Real Woman would have plenty of Men around to do it.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
Four, one to change the light bulb and another three to bitch about her while she’s out of the room.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one!
Four...one to change it and three to write books on it

None. They keep breaking them with the hammer!!!

One. She holds the bulb and assumes the world will revolve around her!

Oooooh! What's a light bulb?

POLITICS & LIGHT BULBS

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again once they regain power!

Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it's done.

How many MP's does it take to change a lightbulb?
Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it's done.

How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the light bulb itself.

How many Trotskyites does it take to change a light bulb?
It's no use trying to CHANGE it, it's got to be SMASHED !!!

How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
All of them. (Notes : An anarchic society has no one in charge; everyone must do for themself!)

How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.

One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.

TECHNICAL TYPES & LIGHT BULBS

How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Easy. If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.

How many Mechanical Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Lets work it out: An Average Engineer weighs 130 pounds
Now an average Engineer can lift 1/2 body weight over his head: 130/2=65 Pounds
Weight of a average light bulb = 4 oz. = .25 Pounds
Therefore it takes (1 Eng/65 pounds) * (.25 pounds) = 0.0038 engineers to change a bulb.

How many IT Help Desk Staff does it take to change a light bulb?
Well....we have received your request concerning your hardware problem and have assigned you service request number 497,712. Please remember this number and use it whenever you contact us regarding this problem. A member of the Help Desk will contact you shortly........(oh yeah!).

Depends on how many broken bulbs the support technician brought with him/her.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.

One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.

Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late

None--you'll never find one who'll admit it went down in the first place.

How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem..

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. We'll document it in the manual!

How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.

How many Oracle professionals does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: - One to write the light bulb removal program, - one to write the light bulb insertion program, and - one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

How many IBM professionals does it take to change a light bulb?
100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the
definitions are of the form "A ... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks"

How many nuclear physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

How many Unix Administrators does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.

How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb?
One. No, Two, err Four, No wait it's err Eight, no Sixteen......Thirty-two.........

How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to Fourier transform the light bulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed light bulb.

How many Quantum Physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.

How many Cryonics Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it.

How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.

How many Apple programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but why bother? Your light socket will just be obsolete in six months anyway.

How many Microsoft Technical Staff does it take to change a light bulb?
It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.

One. They just write it up as a new and useful feature.

One - but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.

Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Three. Two hold the ladder and one hammers the bulb into a water tap.

Four. One asks you for the registration number of the light bulb. Another to ask whether you've tried to re-boot it! Another to ask whether you've tried to re-install it and a fourth to tell you it must be your hardware as they've got one plugged in to a similar socket and it works fine for them!

Well... we have exactly the same kind of light bulb here and ours is working fine. "What kind of system do you have?" "Okay, now how dark is it where you are?" "There's a few possible reasons for this problem, let's try the first...have you tried the light switch!"

There's no need to change it...Microsoft have just registered 'darkness' as a new industry standard. It's an enhancement.

How many Microsoft Developers does it take to change a light bulb?
Hang on a minute. We just determine that the room is dark; we don't change the light bulb! Now, since we have a dead-bulb result from a previous test you can be sure that Development is working on a bug fix for this, check our web site in a few days!

How many Microsoft Visual C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb.
400. 1 to change the bulb, 50 to write a magazine about it, 50 to write a help file about it, 50 to code a little gadget so when you hit the bulb it will announce all the names of the team involved, 50 to go down to the drinks machine and get everyone their can of coke, 50 to show off about how installing a light bulb for Bill has made them paper millionaires, 1 to answer the phone at the help desk ("Putting you through to our light bulb expert sir... click"), 148 to pad out the pictures in the "Light Bulb - how we did it" magazine.

How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.

How many Bill Gates' (runs Microsoft in case you don't know!!) does it take to change a light bulb?
None. He simply declares darkness to be the new standard.

How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...

How many Windows NT users does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.

How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
Change it? Hadn't thought of that, I was going to reuse it.

How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.

How many evoltionists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Given sufficient time, and the random nature of mutation and developmental change, the bulb will eventually learn to screw itself in!

How many Academics does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But he'll probably get three or four research papers out of it.



ASTRONOMERS & LIGHT BULBS

How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. I thought astronomers used standard candles.

Two: one to change the bulb, the other to complain about the light pollution.

Only one, but you have to go to Hawaii to get the really good bulbs.

Three, plus or minus seventy-five.

Eight:
1 observational astronomer to measure luminosity and red shift of bulb
1 theoretical astronomer to calculate spherical coordinates of bulb
1 departmental head to write to SERCPPARC, for project funds
1 astronomical engineer to design and build the bulb replacing satellite
1 SIG programmer to write satellite control and data reduction software
1 NASA mission control expert to arrange satellite launch and say "t-2 main engine start" etc
1 remote observer to manipulate the satellites arm once in elliptical orbit around light bulb
1 Grad student to act as scapegoat in event of mission failure.
Four:
A research student to sit around and not learn anything.
One Supervisor to explain how much harder it was to change light bulbs when they were students.
An amateur astronomer to ensure that the bulb has proper shading to reduce light pollution!
A Technician to actually change the light bulb and keep the place running.

10^8, because astronomers love really big numbers !

None, they wouldn't change it because it ruins their night vision.

What's a light bulb ?


OTHERS & LIGHT BULBS

How many people from Sellafield does it take to change a light bulb?
None, when you glow in the dark don’t need light bulbs!

How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

How many telemarketing 'professionals' does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But they have to do it while you're eating dinner.

How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the light bulb.

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two...one to change the bulb, and one to eat the old one.

How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to provide covering fire!

How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

JUST WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? HUH? HUH?

How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to rob the off-licence to get money for the bulb, one to drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while he does it.

How many anglers does it take to change a light bulb?
One. And you should've seen the light bulb! It was *this* big!

How many Dixons assistants does it take to change a light bulb?
Err. Nahh, it's MEANT to go dark after a few weeks. It's a new fangled addition. It's been developed by, err, (etc...)

How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.

How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.

None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't work either.

How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.

How many Car Mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to suck in air through his teeth and tell you he hasn't seen one of those for a long time. One to moan about the person who put it in the last time. One to screw the wrong size bulb in and another to replace the burnt out socket.

How many Yuppies does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to mix the drinks, one to call an electrician.

How many Country Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
five. Four to write a song about how much they miss the old one and one to sing the song.

"He's the kind of person who can light up a room just by flicking a switch!"
 

[Achilles Last Stand]

Thanks for enlightening us Dave 

You must be beaming with the heat from all those bulbs 

[scottiesmum]

Well after all that,   I feel quite pleased that I can change one all on my own 

[Floydoid]

One for you Dave...

Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.


And a couple for the ladies:

Q. Why does it take two women with PMS to change a lightbulb?
A. BECAUSE IT JUST ***ING DOES, OK!


Q:   How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A1:  "What's a light bulb?"
A2:  One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3:  Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaaddy!"
A4:  Four.  One to sit in the corner panicking, one to run round the room screaming, one to try to change it, and one to fetch the neighbour.

[Astral]

Well thank you for keeping me occupied all morning. I expect they've sold out of Sunday papers by now!

[Accordion]

Well thank you for keeping me occupied all morning. I expect they've sold out of Sunday papers by now!

Well, after all, Sundays are traditionally the day to see the light!