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[oldfogy]

It doesn't hurt to take a long, hard look at yourself - just in case you start thinking you're better than the rest of us!
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.  Would you like a bed near the window?"

[oldfogy]

Speed Camera Speeding Ticket Information

Following the Governments freedom of information act you can now get
access to speed camera offences registered in the last 12 months. Did you know that every time your car goes past a speed camera even 1mph over the set limit it is registered and put on a database? You only get a ticket if you are way over the limit or, (this is the bit that we didn't know) if you receive over 20 near misses, you will be classed as a serial offender and get a ticket the next time you go just over the limit. This is why you hear of people being done for 34mph in a 30 limit area whilst others doing 39 do not. You can check what has been registered against your vehicle at the following address http://www.e-database.co.uk You will be asked for a password but just click on 'need a login'. This gets you into the site and you will be given a user name and password for future use. If there is any data on your vehicle you can click on the camera window to see a copy of the photograph.

Good luck

[oldfogy]

A married couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had lead to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a farmyard full of pigs and goats, the husband turned to his wife sarcastically and asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied. "In-laws!"
 

[bob.gas]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"
Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

[bob.gas]

Keep your cat out if the office.  :shock:

[kitz]

heh I like silly cat pics

[bob.gas]

heh I like silly cat pics

'Er ya are Kitz. :wink:  

[oldfogy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9BON5nd8Fg&search=firefox

[oldfogy]

Possibly not for the "Squeamish"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRfmZ0laFl0&search=Criss%20Angel%20pulls%20a%20Lady%20in%20Half%20both%20halves%20Alive%20

[kitz]

omg how the heck did he do that.
surely its gotta be 2 *midgets*.

[roseway]

Here's another one from Criss Angel (even more shocking):

http://youtube.com/watch?v=iRdv_VNPe7g&amp...h=criss%20angel

Eric

[kitz]

That is freaky..  I have absolutely no idea how the hell he did that. :!:

[oldfogy]

It's called an "optical Illusion"

After watching some of the David Copperfield stunts and how they did it (making Aeroplanes and Chieftain tanks disappear) etc, then being shown how they did it (All of the audience and theatre were all in on the act).

If you notice with this one, none of the clothing was ripped and when the camera came to almost show the cut part, someone stepped in the way so you saw nothing.

Entertainment (illusion) sells.
Sorry :twisted:

[Astral]

Here's one I nicked earlier:

An atheist was fishing in his boat on Loch Ness one Sabbath day. Suddenly, Nessie surfaced beside his boat and, with a flick of her tail, sent the atheist and his boat spinning through the air.

The atheist looks down--Nessie's open jaws are just below, ready to receive a tasty morsel. He calls out, "Oh, God! Please help me!"

Suddenly the scene freezes, and the former atheist is suspended in mid-air just above Nessie's open jaws.

God calls down from the clouds, "But I thought you didn't believe in Me."

"Aw, come on, God, give me a break! Two minutes ago, I didn't even believe in the Loch Ness Monster!"

[kitz]

good one