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Author Topic: Three word story: the story so far...  (Read 6366 times)

mr_chris

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Three word story: the story so far...
« on: January 19, 2007, 12:10:30 PM »

I don't think this needs an introduction, or a comment... so I'm just going to post it!
Ahem...


To read this you need some one who is rather crazy. They say that fools never prosper, but on the other hand there are exceptions to the rules of society that are apparent to the insane members of this the very epitome of our society of technocratic diletantes and raving idiots.

Once upon a time, astral decided on three things (a) big red spot to show the puss oozing out of an open email relay with the utmost urgency and tastefulness. The upshot was that mail was spam and Mabel wanted to complain about how her hair was not how it used to be. She really wanted a new perm, but was put off by the ammonia smell which pervaded the entire salon, so she went to the barbers instead and had a number 2 haircut with fried rice for tea on the beach at blackpool, where the donkey rides are ?1 a time as much as you can eat  if you have it with tomato-sauce and fried bread dipped in egg yolk with sausage and black pudding coated in mayonnaise that has *gone-off* the boil because twas old stock that had been left to go on the shelf for six months after its sell -by date.

Elephants on the other hand are wrinkly and have large flappy ears and a really long trunk and ivory tusks. They also have great big legs and huge toenails on them which need varnishing except that elephants' never forget to clean their teeth only they use twigs instead of branches because they have large molars and absolutely enormous need to eat cabbage. Rhinoceroses however like to swim in the limpid shallow waters of the Amazon. Penguins however come from supermarkets in packs made by mcvities they have jokes on the wrapper some of which are worse than Old Fogies jokes which are normally to be found in the dustbin of the scriptwriters of Eastenders.

Nevertheless, sometimes there is nothing else to do but moan about the state of the price you pay for cabbages and leeks. at the local greengrocers owned by Roseway and Astral. They also sold Pressedrat and Warthog which wasnt popular with the ignorant masses who preferred Kitz's forum. However crawlers never prosper and only gets their just deserts and brownie points her finger at the naughty boy who always crawls into the corner and screams his mother caused the wet nappy.

Mosquitoes buzzed over stagnant water, and Piers Brosnans open mouth opened wider when he snoored loudly and swallowed a spider which was spinning a web in his nose to catch passing mosquito, but the mosquito was too quick for it and it rapidly starved to death. Meanwhile, the fluffy kitten that Kitz was holding tried to scratch her but she shouted you naughty little rat, why did you do that? The kitten replied "miaow" and tried to escape, but kitz grabbed hold of its tail and it hissed turned round and said "Sorry, Mummy" extended its claws and retracted them and started purring contentedly.

Meanwhile back at the station the train was standing at platform three, and oldfogy said to Roseway "Eric old chap, see mr_chris over your pay rise" But chris was not amused. He wasnt giving any more money because he is a mean and tight git of the Finance Department.

Meanwhile in the control tower, professor roseway was directing operations and the surgeons were struggling to remove the patients' inhibitions before they went for their ciabatta at the local bakery + deli which was near to the pub on the corner of the main street in Blackpool where the tramps are numerous and sit asking passers by if they can spare any Buckfast Tonic Wine and a tenner to buy some beer and fags so that they could pass the leftovers to the scummy stray dog that was cocking its leg against a police constable's trousers as he was tying his laces which had come untied due to his lack of attention to detail. Indeed, this disorganised officer of the metropolitan police mistakenly identified Kitz as wanted for treason! The reason she was suspected of crimes againt the country and Queen was mistaken identity it was really unfair what they said about Kitz because she's sweet on her cats as for her broomstick that she rides so elegantly off into the evening sky it was getting dark the nights were drawing in as winter approached.

Suddenly I felt like taking a holiday on the Costa Coffee shop in the Piddle Inn located in dorset known for its spring water and Dorset Knob biscuits. Over the border in Devon, Astral made a fool of himself by wearing women's clothes & borrowing roseways pinny , a fetching pink to match the colour of his eyes, from too much cider drinking. Cider unfortunately makes a damn good aphrodisiac, but Astral decided he was too tired and curled up in his chair and fell asleep snoring. Chris saw that astral was away on a cloud dreaming of better things, but unfortunately his alarm clock interrupted his slumber and he woke with a headache and bad guts which made him feel rather ill and he threw a right strop because he couldn't find his slippers and his pipe. So he yelled his head off and mrs_astral came to her senses and helped to show Astral where the dog had left his slippers and his pipe theyd been chewed by the dog and poor astral needed a new forum to post his incomprehensible ramblings on. However astral wanted to make us all aware that he missed you all during his absence on his trip to wherever it was he was supposed to have been on a business class ticket but he ended up in Birmingham, where he changed trains for the west midlands line to Telford. The iron capital of the West Midlands proved too boring for such a genius so instead he caught a train right up-to glasgow hoping his fortunes would improve with time.

Unfortunately for the human race, the amount of drivel spoken by monkeys and politicians in league with the local publican makes it impossible to know what the Dickens he is going to say to his wife when he buys her some genetically modified roses with purple petals and silver leaves with no prickles on the stems. The most likely outcome would be that mrs_astral would accept them graciously while privately thinking what a plonker the postman is who always rings the bell before posting the letters in the flower pot by the back door which was a present from her aunt who owned a big fat black pot bellied pig called Professor Roseway. The next day, before dawn broke the pig snuffed its nose in the rose bed and found some rotting veggies left after Astral ate his supper last weekend al fresco , the restaurant in the High Street with the dirty windows and the flaking paint on the front door which rang when the police called waving their truncheons about like baguettes at the customers who were running away as fast as their legs could carry them given that their legs were tiny and their feet were size 12 they had difficulty finding shoes that didn't slow them down and trip them up.

Later on that day after the last of the summer wine was over and the kids had gone to bed and were quietly wetting themselves because they had been at granny's and drank far too much Sanatogen leaving Old Fogey without his favourite tipple. The next day OF realised what had happened and he cried "Bring me my glass and a plate of cockles with vinegar salt and pepper and a dash of tabasco sauce and chilli powder on the side" washed down with Carlsberg export lager and a bottle of Phyllosan, which fortifies the over forties.. so OF was able to shuffle off on to the sofa where he fell down and landed on the cat which hissed and scratched his bum with it's razor sharp claws and bit him on the butt which was already sore from the incident with the claws. and was bleeding all over the nice new carpet which Mrs_Astral had only had fitted the week before because the old dog had peed on the Professor's fireside rug which made it smell very nice indeed if you have a tendency to like the smell of dog pee. Since he didnt Professor Roseway set about dumping it in Kitz's fishpond but the fish threw a wobbly so she quickly put them in the bath with the rubber duck which stupidly tried to make a break for freedom by swimming towards the plughole and pulling the plug making the water form a vortex which sucked the duck and fishes into the drain. Down & down they all went further & further until the duck took a left turn into a side drain and fell to its lowest ebb when it couldn't keep up with the flow of water and sank.

Above ground, the remaining tonic wine in Astral's glass was warming up nicely in the microwave where he left his pork pie earlier that week but it was when he saw the maggots on top of the the pie that was now mouldy and oozing a smelly yellow liquid that looked like rancid egg yolks mixed with suppurating cornflakes with red flecks of paprika giving a wonderful appearance similar to the contents of Doctor Astral's stomach. the morning after a night of too much of everything. Being sensible the prof decided enough was enough and swallowed some gaviscon to help his indigestion problems which were quite severe after eating too much spicey food for an old buffer like that, with one foot in the gravy boat and the other waving and wiggling his drain pipe trousers in the pond with frogs in at the bottom of the garden of the house at the end of the terrace opposite the police station by the swimming pool in the main street of the largest suburb of the finest town in the north western corner of Kent close to Professor roseway's stately home which is set in 50 acres of parkland populated with many different species of animal and plant, including a few pixies and a fairy grotto with an large magic mushroom quiche which would serve at least ten people with a large appetite even without a the extra toppings that were served with garlic bread and chilli sauce and cheese topping with gaviscon on which added extra flavour to the dessert they were making with snails and frogs legs with a dash tabasco sauce to take away the aftertaste of snail which tasted disgusting especially after drinking methylated spirits with a chaser of tesco value whiskey followed by a spoonful of engine oil with a sugar cube to sweeten the ghastly concoctions bitter taste before swallowing it pinching your nose and bracing yourself for the burn in your throat which is going feel like a piece of rough sandpaper grinding your skin away until the flesh weeps and blood begins trickle down your to your stomach and make you feel well and truly sick as a parrot in a tumble drier with tonsillitis as well as glandular fever, caused by too much osculation with not enough thought to the consequences of such wanton and lewd behaviour at such a critical time in the life of a garden gnome with sprouting whiskers to keep in pristine condition it became necessary to remove the stubble with a cutthroat razor, but the razor was blunt and he had to sharpen it before he could begin to make any progress with the task .

Just then, in the corner of the garden, something stirred, it was a small furry creature with a long black whiskers and a curly brown tail with alternating band of a thin white stripe and a stump at the end with three little pimples arranged in a symmetrical pattern resembling a equilateral triangle. looked round suddenly and saw that Professor Roseway was having an apoplectic fit because he didn't approve of Kitz' mode of operation of the finest website in worst website category of the awards nominated by the society of time travellers, who usually meet at the local pub in disguise so that no-one could identify them at a later date because if they were identified, people would shun them from utter disgust with the vile way that they pick at their food because they dont know how to use cutlery or keep their elbows out of their dinner. When the time came for the judges to decide who had won the top prize in the garden gnome competition they retired to Cornwall to grow daffodil bulbs on the hillside behind the windfarm near the market town well known for its very strange May Day pageant which is held funnily enough on May Day every third year after two years of preparation for the day of feasting which this year is after the crowning of the Sultan of Brunei at his grand palace in the Mohave desert.

Meanwhile in Chipping Sodbury the gang were mugging old ladies for their umbrellas which had translucent panels sewn in because they wanted to keep an eye on other pensioners wearing the same purple dresses that Kitz wears when going to the Techie's Ball which is held at the Winter Palace in Brighton every second year on the night of the third full moon after summer solstice which coincidentally is also the night when the constellation of Capricorn is best observed from under a cloudless sky with a reflecting moon shimmering on a calm sea with the waves lapping at your bare feet and an onshore breeze blowing gently through your hair causing goose pimples and a feeling of disorientation, coupled with slight nausea when you take a  a breath of fresh air which is needed regularly because of the pong caused by decomposing cabbage stalks in the compost heap that was festering near the fence at the bottom of the Prime Minister's garden.

While all this was going on Bill Gates was counting his money in number eleven strong room in Redmond International Bank to discover whether he still had enough small change for the taxi to Alpha Centauri , the hotel near the Restaurant at Oxford Circus, called Window of Delights where he first met Melinda his Messenger, which he later married in an online chatroom for the terminally stupid, but nevertheless the "bride" had a gorgeous dress with sequins sewn by hand all down the bodice using MS Paint. on a 486 Jumbo jet flying some where over head started to plummet to the ground, but Roseway decided he was Superman so he pulled on his cape & slippers and his superman pyjamas and flew off into the wide blue yonder through the clouds and saved everyone and celebrated with a bottle of Chateauneuf du pape a deep red luscious mouthwatering taste of tasty stuff fit for a dwarf with a contagious olfactory malfunction despite his big olfactory organ having got caught in the shop door with the result that the alarm started to ring and the police came running armed with water pistols which they fired at the unsuspecting octagenarian with blue suede gloves on and green hair with purple streaks all the way over her ears down to her Cute little dimples in her cheeks lay rosy-red blushes when she blushed as she often did when in  Tescos, buying her weekly stale bread which was cheap but absolutely horrible to the palat because the crusts were to hard  to chew with and bits of green mould growing round the edges , even the wrapper was contaminated with stale chip fat from the cafe where the beefburgers are greasy and full of gristle with lumps of chopped up bone and other manky parts of offal which are banned in every civilised part of the World.

Sensible people are wise and eat muesli instead says hairshirt wearing professors from the University of Life Faculty of Technology, and Human Technology with his head stuck up his trilby to keep his bald patch nice and warm when the wind blew from the southern nether regions and suddenly caught him by surprise and blew his coat wide open exposing his pink and blue shirt which matched his eyes, because he one of each then a turkey ran infront of the Royal Train and lay down between the tracks of the tram that was going from Clegthorpe to the north pole via Wolverhampton, which is quicker than waiting for Kitz when shes having her hair done and dyed purple  to match her Mother Gothmas suit which is trimmed with white ermine interlaced with leather straps with diamante encrusted buckles which sparkled in the radiance of her electric flame candles and gave her such a complex aura of mystery as well as a luminescent halo powered by a car battery with an inverter attached which is used to help the less fortunate acolytes understand the great  mysteries of life and the universe and everything.

42 being the commonly misunderstood by lesser mortals than Kitz, solution to the known number for how many angels have the patience to keep reading this interminable story which doesnt really have much meaning nor make much sense but the contributors refuse to go away for psychiatric help with the rest of motley crew at the toad hall reunion dinner dance and poker night held every year in Chipping Sodbury where the girls are wild and do not care about their morals or those of the men they lure into their their brazen embrace.

Suddenly there was the sound of thunder in the distance and the sky lit up as a bolt of lightening flashed a vivid blue with pink flowers high over the heads of the Elfs, Pixies and other old fogies gathered round the camp fire beside the 56k-modem recyclingbin with long cables but no plugs for the washbasins or soap in the dispensers on the wall by the left handed walking stick stand.

Meanwhile, in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch on Anglesey two guillemots were flying in a northerly direction up towards the west coast east of the Blackpool Tower there were three little pigs who lived in a house made of straw  one was called Albert, the second was called Harold and the third was called Steptoe whose son was called Patrick the crimson wonder pig whose belly was was tattooed with a picture of Michael Portillo because of his undying ability to infuriate each and every one of his family and friends but we are the enemy to be terrified of armed with our rolled up umbrellas and The Times newpaper under our sweaty arm pits to complete the commuter businessman look with his briefcase firmly clutched in their left hands while waiting for the No 56 bus to Peckham Bus Garage. Later aliens invaded the outer moon of Rigel 3, and set up a colony of mutants who invaded Kitz's hairdresser's mind and forced her to say a Mohican haircut would suit to go with the polka-dot dress and velvet cape complete with blue spots and orange satin ribbons along the top of the fur trimmed collar of the cape.

To set the tone of the remainder of the outfit which she eloped in before deciding that she had made the biggest mistake of her life and wore the lurid purple dress with green socks that played a tune while she a merry dance.

On Wimbledon Common near the pond three wombles were seen to be picking up litter as is their wont, when suddenly an old man appeared by the pond. He smiled and said softly "What are you fellows up to? The smallest womble who was shy put up his little womble hand and said, nervously, "Please sir, can I have some time off for good behaviour, Sir? Because he wanted to go and bake some cakes for the tea-party for the little Wombles special event to be held?

To be continued?  :lol:
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Chris

roseway

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Re: Three word story: the story so far...
« Reply #1 on: January 19, 2007, 12:30:51 PM »

We must find a publisher!

Eric
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  Eric

kitz

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Re: Three word story: the story so far...
« Reply #2 on: January 19, 2007, 01:06:45 PM »

OMG..   how creative are we or what ?

 :lol:

Brilliant idea to post the full lot...  I'd forgotten some of the earlier *stories* and had a bit of a laugh over some of them.
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Astral

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Re: Three word story: the story so far...
« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2007, 06:38:51 PM »

A monument to time-wasting. Excellent.
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Floydoid

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Re: Three word story: the story so far...
« Reply #4 on: July 15, 2007, 11:51:14 AM »

It reads like the lyrics from a Yes LP.
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Accordion

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Re: Three word story: the story so far...
« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2007, 04:48:55 PM »

I knew there was a reason I avoided joining in - too late now, there's no hope for me.
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anything