Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to
pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin,
by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments
(I think you call them youths) in St Mary’s Crescent, which is just off
St Mary’s Road in Bodmin.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a
football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.
This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works,
I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through
several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so
thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.
One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair
like a beaver on speed.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited
attention to the bottle of Calor gas that is lying on its side between
the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms
and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so
far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more
likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished
decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt
with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath
night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a
panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.
This will of course serve no purpose other than to remind us what
policemen actually look like.
I trust that you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me
a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant?
-------------------------------------------------------------------=-
Mr
,
I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems
caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have
encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend
an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
(address / telephone number) and when maybe suitable.
Regards
PC ?
Community Beat Officer
-------------------------=-------------------------------------------
Dear PC ?
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
original e-mail. 6 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for
Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will forward these
details to Norris McWherter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community
beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert
skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent, I
have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep
undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the
acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a
wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are
headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking
place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim
without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman
to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to
these twats that they might want to play their strange football game
elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within
spitting distance as is the bottom of the Park Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free
to contact me on xxxxx. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to
answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in
contact!!
