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[dave.m]

Men strike back!


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
----------------- --------------------------------------------------

dave goes into hiding!
 

[Floydoid]

Where's that sofa emoticon when you need it?

[Achilles Last Stand]

Oh no, not again 



OK, you boys have your fun for now - I know where to find enough retaliation to make you run for cover 

[kitz]

heh

wonder where dave is hiding

[Floydoid]

Ah there it is:

[Achilles Last Stand]

Ah there it is:

Don't forget the

The last hapless soul who posted that sparked off 19 pages of tit-for-tat  [anyone seen bob.gas lately  8) ]

~~~~~~~~~~

Men are like... place mats. They only show up when there's food
on the table.

Men are like... mascara. They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.

Men are like... bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but
otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like... government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like... parking spots. All the good ones are taken.

Men are like... copiers. You need them for reproduction, but
that's about it.

Men are like... lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that
bright.

Men are like... bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't
generate much interest.

Men are like... high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get
the hang of it.

Men are like... miniskirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep
up your legs.


A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.

[UncleUB]

OMG what have you started Dave         

[tuftedduck]

 

[roseway]

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

That's one I'm definitely going to remember

[grumpy old man]

At the risk of having to go into hiding with Dave, can I offer the following rules which is a version of a shorter set I saw a few years ago (wish I'd read these before I got married)

Women's Rules for Men

   1. The female always makes The Rules.

   2. The Rules are subject to change without prior notification.

   3. No male can possibly know all The Rules.

   4. If the female suspects the male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

   5. The female is never wrong.

   6. If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

   7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

   8. The female may change her mind at any time.

   9. The male must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female.

  10. The female has every right to be angry and upset at any time.

  11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

  12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

  13. The male is expected to mind read at all times.

  14. The male who does not abide by The Rules cannot take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

  15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

  16. If the female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.

  17. The female is ready when she is ready.

  18. The male must be ready at all times.

  19. In the case of a dispute see rule 1.

gom (I'll bring the beer Dave)

[Floydoid]

GOM, you can add to that list:

When a woman says 'No' she actually means 'Yes', apart from when she really does mean 'NO!'.

[Floydoid]

Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo (woe is me) ♀
Atomic mass : Accepted as 53.6 Kg may vary from 40 to 200 Kg
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas

Physical properties :
1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in varying states of purity, ranging from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points

Chemical properties :
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

Common uses :
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent

Test :
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen

Potential hazards :
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

Warning

PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND FINANCIAL DAMAGE

(I have plenty more of this stuff)

[Floydoid]

The Rules of the Game – Male Version

These are our rules!  Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1.  Learn to work the toilet seat.  You're a big girl.  If it's up, put it down.  We need it up, you need it down.  You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1.  Sunday sports.  It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.  Let it be.

1.  Shopping is NOT a sport.  And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1.  Crying is blackmail.

1.  Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one.  Subtle hints do not work!  Strong hints do not work!  Obvious hints do not work!  Just say it!

1.  Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.  Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.  That's what we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1.  A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.  See a doctor.

1.  Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1.  If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1.  If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.

1.  If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1.  You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.  Not Both.  If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1.  Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1.  Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1.  ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour.  Pumpkin is also a fruit.  We have no idea what mauve is.

1.  If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1.  If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1.  When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1.  Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1.  You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that. Its like camping.

[toulouse]

Hey Floydoid,

That was absolutely hilarious. Thanks.

toulouse
 

[Floydoid]

You're welcome mate.