Quick visit to an Apple "Genius" at an Apple store may be able to help perhaps?
Worth a try but my hunch is the Genius's idea may well be 'Buy a new iPad'. Happy to be proven wrong but if I'm right, given the way Kitz obviously feels about all this, I'd not like to be in the shoes of the Genius that suggested it...

Continuing my fairly random train of thoughts & suggestions... Kitz, have you ploughed through 'settings', disabling anything that might be leading to unexpected activity on the device? For example...
Settings->iTunes & App Store, sign out.
Settings->iTunes & App Store->Automatic downloads , disable the lot.
Settings->notifications, exclude the lot.
Settings->Privacy->Location Services, turn off.
Settings->iCloud - sign out.
Settings->facetime, sign out.
... and so on.
I tend to set up most of my Apple devices that way anyway. Always assuming the device hasn't already gone out of the window?
