The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30 am this morning, can you believe that, 2.30 am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
Paddy says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador.” “Blow that,” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”
Murphy says to Paddy “What ya talkin to an envelope for?” “I’m sending a voicemail ya thick sod!”
Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
And with apologies to any lady readers:
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die, you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said, you’re obviously not listening.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
The wife was counting all the 5p’s and 10p’s out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change.”
When I was in the pub I heard a couple plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse it!
You just have to appreciate this one. Young people forget that we older people had a career before someof us retired.
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at
Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to
work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes
late.
But he was a good worker, really
tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and
a real credit to the company and
obviously demonstrating their
"Older Person Friendly"
policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like
your work ethic, you do a
bang-up job when you finally get
here; but your being late
so often is quite
bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am sorry and am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to
hear.”
“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.“
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment,
“I know you're retired from the
Armed Forces.
What did they say to you there if
you showed up in the morning
late so often?"
The old man looked down at the
floor, then smiled.
He chuckled quietly, then said
with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning,
Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?
