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Author Topic: non-PC (politically correct) Christmas  (Read 1410 times)

camallison

  • Kitizen
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  • Posts: 1357
non-PC (politically correct) Christmas
« on: December 23, 2010, 07:13:41 AM »

Fellow Kitizens,

Now we are all a year older (compared to this time last year, obviously), we should consider the fortunate position in which we find ourselves.  We are, for the most part and to varying degrees, happy and healthy with (almost) full sets of teeth and heads of hair.  As far as I know, most of our vital organs work reasonably well and I assume the gentlemen can all still “amuse a lady” without recourse to drugs, stimulants, artificial aids, or the need to take a break during which she finds time to do the ironing or mow the lawn.  Of course, some of this “amusement” comes from the sight of us standing, post shower in one of the great “he man” poses of the silver screen.  In that regard, Cary Grant, Hugh Grant and Council Grant, come to mind.

At this time, we should think of those who have passed their prime and who stare into the future with a mixture of mystification, hope and a blind faith in aspirins.  I talk not of Vince Cable but of my dear old mum.  She is in a nursing home where, this year, the Christmas party degenerated into rounds of “pass the bed-pan”; “hunt the catheter”; and, “blind man’s Zimmer frame” – a sick twist on a classic party game, if ever there was one!

The mulled wine was blended with the turkey, stuffing, veg, roasties, Christmas pud, after dinner mints, coffee and, because the cook had hit the Harvey’s Bristol Cream too early, some party hats and three candles, to create a knock-out cocktail that delivered all the kick of the fully trimmed Christmas dinner without the time-wasting experience of actually chewing any of it.  The whole thing was consumed through a straw while watching Colin Firth dressed up as a ponce and talking in a manner assumed by the masses to be “classic Edwardian” while actually being a bastardised version of English spoken by the emotionally challenged while eating gob-stoppers.  An amazing sight to behold.  The DVD will be out soon and a YouTube version is being prepared - proceeds to the National Society for the Incontinent.  The police and local authority are looking into some allegations arising from the bemused and bemusing round of “Twister” that broke out after the ritual pulling of the crackers.  No charges are expected to be brought but cautions will be handed out and some doses of medication will be increased until at least 10th January.

Before too long, ladies & gentlemen, this could be us!

I’d like to wish you a “Merry Christmas”.  But that would be fraught with danger as it may be taken, by you and/or those subsequently affected by your actions while in a state of “merry-ness”, as an exhortation to partake, to excess, in alcoholic beverages which, generally, are taken to impart the necessary sensory perception, if not the actual effect, of “merry-ness”.   So, I considered limiting myself to wishing you a “very happy Christmas”.   However, now I think about that, I could be putting you under undue emotional pressure to be “very happy” over the intense, short festive period known in many families as “the worst week of the year”.  This may induce negative effects in you which, in turn, may cause you to act adversely to yourself (self abuse over Christmas being one of the key causes of family stress, particularly when that activity occurs during lunch, the Queen’s speech or in front of granny while her teeth are loose); or, others (abuse of the family (aka “The ...ing in-laws”) and/or strangers (aka “The ...ing neighbours and their ...ing dog”) over the festive period accounts for a considerable percentage of 999 calls and emergency room admissions).  Therefore, I considered wishing you “Christmas”.  However, this is wholly meaningless.  It’s akin to wishing you “Lemon” or “Green”.  Even I find that confusing, and I thought of it.

As a result of all this, I am resorting to a surrealist approach and wishing everyone “Seven”.  You can take from this anything you wish.  It works for Muslims (we know you are out there, somewhere and taking the Christian Bank Holidays with the rest of us); Catholics (you can totally blow out on everything and then atone for the sins of the flesh); Jehovah Witnesses (you may be right ………… but you may be wrong, have you thought of that?); Moonies (at least you seem to have some fun with it); and, Buddhists (religion with candles and the right to do whatever you want provided you do it with karma).

So, to one and all I wish you Seven!

Let’s hope that 2011 sees us make shed loads of cash from shovelling s..t rather than, to date, having the steaming stuff dumped upon us by banks, hedge funds and other alleged financial institutions.  I’d like to take the opportunity to say what a pleasure it has been to chat with you all these past months.  But would you believe me?  Actually, we’ve laughed and joked together; we’ve worked hard together and bonded like a true team.  The trouble is we’ve not had a ball to play with and so have had to resort to running around the pitch shouting at each other, the other side, the ref and the crowd in an ever-more demented version of blow-football, in the dark.  Next year, we’ll find our ball and turn the lights on!

[Received yesterday from one of my lawyer friends - he doesn't indulge in smilies in his emails, only grumpies!]

Colin
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