Kitz ADSL Broadband Information
adsl spacer  
Support this site
Home Broadband ISPs Tech Routers Wiki Forum
 
     
   Compare ISP   Rate your ISP
   Glossary   Glossary
 
Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  

News:

Author Topic: To our US friends  (Read 4062 times)

broadstairs

  • Kitizen
  • ****
  • Posts: 3697
To our US friends
« on: June 25, 2015, 09:32:30 AM »

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Stuart
Logged
ISP:Vodafone Router:Vodafone Wi-Fi hub FTTP

roseway

  • Administrator
  • Senior Kitizen
  • *
  • Posts: 43467
  • Penguins CAN fly
    • DSLstats
Re: To our US friends
« Reply #1 on: June 25, 2015, 10:20:05 AM »

I wish... :lol:
Logged
  Eric

burakkucat

  • Respected
  • Senior Kitizen
  • *
  • Posts: 38300
  • Over the Rainbow Bridge
    • The ELRepo Project
Re: To our US friends
« Reply #2 on: June 25, 2015, 04:39:27 PM »

Purrfect.  :D
Logged
:cat:  100% Linux and, previously, Unix. Co-founder of the ELRepo Project.

Please consider making a donation to support the running of this site.

kitz

  • Administrator
  • Senior Kitizen
  • *
  • Posts: 33879
  • Trinity: Most guys do.
    • http://www.kitz.co.uk
Re: To our US friends
« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2015, 07:00:16 PM »

hahah brilliant.

I'd also like to add to the list pronunciation of the words: Aluminium, Router and Herbs - I'm sure theres more but those are the ones that bug me :D
Logged
Please do not PM me with queries for broadband help as I may not be able to respond.
-----
How to get your router line stats :: ADSL Exchange Checker

broadstairs

  • Kitizen
  • ****
  • Posts: 3697
Re: To our US friends
« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2015, 08:11:27 PM »

Router

This does have two pronunciations here in the UK, I guess Kitz for you it is a 'rooter' but for woodworkers amongst us it is a 'rowter' of a device for cutting grooves in wood!

Daft the English language .... used to have problems explaining some words and phrases to our Polish daughter-in-law!!!

Stuart
Logged
ISP:Vodafone Router:Vodafone Wi-Fi hub FTTP

loonylion

  • Reg Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 723
Re: To our US friends
« Reply #5 on: June 26, 2015, 08:56:28 PM »

Router

This does have two pronunciations here in the UK, I guess Kitz for you it is a 'rooter' but for woodworkers amongst us it is a 'rowter' of a device for cutting grooves in wood!

yes, and in the US its 'rowter' for both. I used to annoy an American friend by offering him a black 'n' decker every time he said it :P
Logged

kitz

  • Administrator
  • Senior Kitizen
  • *
  • Posts: 33879
  • Trinity: Most guys do.
    • http://www.kitz.co.uk
Re: To our US friends
« Reply #6 on: June 27, 2015, 02:28:13 AM »

Agree.. English is Daft sometimes... and I've had the router debate many a time before.   

My stance is that in computing the term router takes its name from route....  So it's a route(+r)  even in the states they don't pronounce route 66 as rawt.


Believe it or not, I am actually aware of wood routers having a granddad who was a proper carpenter as was the father in law.. :D.. And since the tool takes its name from rout - meaning hallow (out) pronounced rawt - then it's more understandable to me why the tool is pronounced rawt(+er)



I can't believe how long it took me to type this as I had to fight auto correct so many times as it kept changing router to roster and refused rawt  ???
« Last Edit: June 27, 2015, 02:30:22 AM by kitz »
Logged
Please do not PM me with queries for broadband help as I may not be able to respond.
-----
How to get your router line stats :: ADSL Exchange Checker

JGO

  • Reg Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 729
Re: To our US friends
« Reply #7 on: June 27, 2015, 06:31:10 AM »

Agree.. English is Daft sometimes... and I've had the router debate many a time before.

I seem to remember a little poem :=

There once was a schoolboy who felt
that words should be spoken as spelled,
So he read what he saw,
in Gnome,Gnat and Gnaw,
and put Ks on his knees when he knelt.


Frankly - if you can't follow the illogicalities  of English language don't go near computers !!

As for the American language, wasn't Webster's deliberately as un-English as possible ? 
Logged

broadstairs

  • Kitizen
  • ****
  • Posts: 3697
Re: To our US friends
« Reply #8 on: June 27, 2015, 08:47:02 AM »

I can't believe how long it took me to type this as I had to fight auto correct so many times as it kept changing router to roster and refused rawt  ???

Don't get me started on autocorrect. I am trying to find a way to turn it off on my wife's tablet as it drives her mad especially when she tries to type her email address into a web page when she is ordering online.

Stuart
Logged
ISP:Vodafone Router:Vodafone Wi-Fi hub FTTP

renluop

  • Kitizen
  • ****
  • Posts: 3326
Re: To our US friends
« Reply #9 on: June 27, 2015, 09:35:13 AM »

Thirty or more years ago wife and I visited the Museum of London, where there were some early Victorian house plans. In them parlour lacked the u. It seems the u was an affectation addition to our language. ::)
Logged

JGO

  • Reg Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 729
Re: To our US friends
« Reply #10 on: June 27, 2015, 11:06:49 AM »

Thirty or more years ago wife and I visited the Museum of London, where there were some early Victorian house plans. In them parlour lacked the u. It seems the u was an affectation addition to our language. ::)

Now don't upset the French, they are having a go at the US as well just now !
Logged
 

anything